Love Wins

Dear RBG,

Yes, I'm addressing you directly. I've seen your jewelry.

You're definitely my tribe, bitch.

Now that you've knocked out this same sex issue, can we get interspecies marriage on the docket next? 

No, I don't want to marry anyone. Let's be clear. BUT.... I want people to think they have a CHANCE to marry me. Because you get the best gifts when someone wants to put a ring on it.

Ask this one. She knows.

There's no one I'm interested in currently. But someday... someday soon... some smart scientist is going to genetically engineer a squirrel/lizard combination. A squirrel who drops their tail when they're under stress and grows a new one.

"Bushy snack farm"

And someday... someday soon... some genius inventor is going to create a jetpack for dogs.

Hopefully it will be blingier than this.

And when those marvelous things happen, I require engagement presents from them. And I don't want something like species to get in the way of my gift getting.

So hook a bitch up, Ruth.

Signed, 

Serafina

p.s. Include fictional characters too. I've got a certain special someone in mind.

p.p.s. To any stupid sentimental Canadian brindle souls that might be lingering about... this is all about the swag. ;)

Snow Who?

Dear Walt,

Let's talk about this b.s. right here:

First of all, NOT A VIRGIN. You're not fooling anyone with that name, sister. Sorry.

Secondly, why was she happy to end up with this doofus?

Prince "Charming"

He's so bleh he is BORING HIMSELF. What does she see in him? What do any of these hapless females see in these princes anyway?

DUH.

Prince Eric. Not only is he apparently a zombie, he is into zoophilia. That, in case your Latin is rusty, means he WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH FISH. 

Yeah, I don't think you're safe either. Scuttle off before disaster strikes.

And ALADDIN. Well, let's just say you won't be able to un-see what I'm about to show you.

Told ya.

Plus, ol Snow White there was completely focused on the wrong guy. Let me break it down.

Just where do you think these very vertically challenged fellows were Heigh Ho-ing off to every day?

...sparkly...

That's right. THE MINES. Where bling comes from. The dwarves could have bought and sold that Charming if they wanted to. They just needed a manager. MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

That Queen should have zeroed in on that and not worried about "who is the fairest" and all that mess. Worry causes wrinkles, lady.

Plus, you shouldn't rely on a mirror to boost your self esteem. 

Anyway, all of this is finally leading up to my question. I did have one, you know.

Scroll down please....

Can I get you an apple?

Signed,

Serafina

p.s. Thank you to my style guru Nadia for the crown. I deserve it. Plus, she sent me this:

You gotta love her for this.

Trade Me At Your Peril

Dear Blue Buffalo,

Recently Mother opened a bag of your cat food (the indignity) and out fell a cat trading card. I don't think I need to tell you what a waste of cardstock THAT was. Who cares what Fluffy's favorite ratty toy is, or where his favorite place is to yak up a hairball. I've smelled that box, and let me tell you a cat is NOT worthy of adoration. Not.

I have graciously decided to create a new card for you, one that no one will every trade away. Behold.

I'm sure we can all agree this is an improvement. And to show how magnanimous I can be, I even created a card for Cricket.

You're welcome.

Signed,

Serafina

Star Wars: A New Indignity

Aaaaand..... ACTION.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi....

LINE!

He's my only hope? WTF. Who wrote this script?

How about "Screw you, Kenobi. I got this."

Excuse me... co-star???

No, I will not call him a "walking carpet".

Because he's freakin tiny, that's why. 

WHERE'S MY AGENT???

Okay, this is not an improvement.

Do they not know Mr. Grammatically Challenged doesn't show up until the second movie?

WHAT'S NEXT? JAR JAR BINKS????

I think the cat has been gnawing on this. 

Are we done? I think we're done.

The Ewoks were a misstep, Lucas. I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you this.

Can I give out some medals and get the f*** out of here?

As soon as you turn your back I'm eating my co-stars.

Let's Cut the BS, Fat Man

Santa,
I'm sure you remember me, we met a few weeks ago.

I'm the one without the face suit, thank you.

Unless I met one of your many impersonators... you bearded folk are like the Elvis of Yuletide Vegas. Anyway, I digress.

Let's address the flying elephant in the room. The reindeer.

They don't look like this.

Please. These aren't pulling any sleigh. You get to every house in a single night and that clearly takes magic. If you have magic, you can use it to haul your very-overweight-to-obese self all over the world. That means these

are dead weight. Ipso facto. 

With these facts in mind, I'd like to present you with my Christmas list. Deviate at your peril.

Dasher.

Dasher with port demi-glace.

Dancer.

Dried Dancer, thinly sliced from the leg.

Prancer.

Prancer au poivre, with carmelized leeks.

Vixen.

Vixen sous vide.

Comet.

Cured Comet, with dried beetroot and chili pickle apple.

Cupid.

Heart of Cupid, tartare.

Donner.

Donner, Party style. Rare.

Blitzen.

Blackened Blitzen, with fingerling potatoes.

Since these same deer have been working for you for decades, they are likely immortal and that means they'll keep forever without spoiling. Bonus.

I did wonder why so many reindeer recipes featured these little red berries...

Until I realized they were meant to be reminiscent of this.

Bon appetit.

Signed, 

Serafina

Fight or Flight

I have often asked Anif to grant me wings, so I could reach the squirrels, and the birds, and all creatures that would fit in my mouth. As is my due.

This is not what I had in mind...

I see Mother has been to the dollar store again. Well, maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe I'm a sprite. Or a fairy. QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES. Yes...

Behold Titaniafina.

I will swoop down on my enemies from above, delivering wrath and certain death. 

Lizards will fear me. Birds will offer themselves up to me as sacrifice. 

Squirrel populations will be decimated.

Voles, moles, and other vermin will vanish from this earth.

Um... what is this?

MOTHER, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR. 

Remove this synthetic hair from my precious head immediately! 

Great! Now I have been seen. Well... Beaker can probably be trusted to keep his mouth shut. Unlike Cricket. 

I will forgive you if you take this off before HE sees it.

Dammit.

This isn't over, Mother. I demand justice. 

I DEMAND YOU MAKE AMENDS.

That will do nicely.