Everyone's a Critic

Thinking about watching some holiday movies with the family? Let me give you some opinions.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

A bunch of unsupervised children worship the ugliest tree ever.

I rate it 2 Dead Stuffies.

Elf

A grown man is raised on a diet of candy and sugar.

Against all odds he doesn't die of diabetes in childhood and goes on to save Christmas.

3 Dead Stuffies.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer

Santa's Elves will not be selling out at Madison Square Garden, I guarantee that.

What a horrible band idea, anyway.

And doesn't that effeminate elf know that dentists have a high suicide rate?

Very confusing story. 1 Dead Stuffy.

A Christmas Story

Gratuitous Bunny Pajamas, and something about a porno lamp.

The dogs get the turkey in the end. 4 Dead Stuffies.

Babes In Toyland

Speaking of porn, this is not. Which is surprising, based on the title.

I didn't watch it. Zero Dead Stuffies.

The Santa Clause

Claus with an E added. Hilarity ensues.

Well, the Tool Man in a fat suit ensues. Also, ugly sweaters.

2 Dead Stuffies.

Frosty the Snowman

A talking snowman thinks its everyone's birthday. Stoopid.

1 Dead Stuffy.

Olive the Other Reindeer

I couldn't get past the idea that this dog wanted a JOB. At the NORTH POLE.

I want to put on a sweater just thinking about it.

0.5 Dead Stuffies.

Scrooged

I could watch Carol Kane smacking that guy around all day.

4 Dead Stuffies.

It's A Wonderful Life

Suicide is bad, kids.

2 Dead Stuffies.

Barbie Nutcracker

WTF???

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

EXCELLENT film, until they decided to pussify the green dude at the end.

4 Dead Stuffies.

Die Hard

Terrorists, explosions, bare feet on broken glass.

Best Christmas movie ever. Yippee ki-yay.

5 Dead Stuffies.

Happy Holidays, people.

Signed,

Serafina

Eat, Drink, and STFU

World,

In the event the Mayans are correct, I will be at the bar at Milliway's.

I will allow you to buy me a drink. And a rare haunch of that yappy cow.

Signed, 

Serafina

Bow Down Bitches

Mother brought home something she refers to as a "greyhound statue."

I think it's clear this magnificent being is far superior to a mere greyhound.

I call her Anif, and she is my deity.

When I counter surf roasted potatoes right out of the pan, it is in service to Anif.

When I speak sharply to my servants, it is because it pleases Anif.

When I attempt to nudge Mother out of the bed at night, it is because Anif told me to.

Anif is watching.

Especially you. She's keeping an eye on you.

Attention Winter!

Man with the Tacky Hat,

Wipe that smile off your face, jerk.

I'll be coming for you. Soon.

But right now this fleece straitjacket is slowing me down...

Signed,

Serafina

A Saluki Christmas Carol

Dashing through the sn...

WHAT IS THIS WHITE STUFF??

WHY ARE MY FEET WET???

I need a warm towel and a blankie. NOW. 

And WHERE IS THAT SLEIGH BELL NOISE COMING FROM???

I will be peeing indoors for the duration. Thank you.

You Suck at Gifting, Sir.

True Love,

My understanding is that you will be showering me with gifts this month. 

Um, no. Let's break it down.

Day One: Partridge, with pears. This is fine.

Day Two: Turtledoves, roasted. Check.

Day Three: I'm getting a little parched from all the fancy food.

Day Four: Calling birds are a little mouthy. So, squirrels instead.

(I have a score to settle with the tall one)

Day Five: What the hell am I going to do with jewelry?

These are round and golden. If the bacon isn't crispy I'm sending you packing.

Day Six:You lack imagination with all the poultry, but perfectly acceptable.

Day Seven: AAAAHHHH!!! PASS.

Day Eight: Steak on the hoof. Keep the broad.

Day Nine: Clearly you don't know me at all.

Day Ten: Whatever. I'll regift him to Mother.

Day Eleven: WHAT A RACKET. 

If I want a bunch of drunken men with accents in the house 

I'll send Mother to the Irish festival with a tip jar and a pole. Skip Day Eleven.

Day Twelve: I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME ANYMORE.

Signed,

Serafina

My Kingdom for a Slingshot

 The beautiful warrior princess surveyed her kingdom, able to relax at last after defeating the Squirrel Horde...

 As she raised her face to the sun she contemplated her next battle... the birds must be destroyed at all costs..

 ...wha?...

Nothing to see here. MOVE ALONG, MOTHER.

Serial Stuffy Killer UPDATED

Bat,

I don't appreciate your insolence. When you get to hell give Pig my regards.

Pictured: innocence.

No, really. This is the face the jury will see.

Acquittal.

Signed,

Serafina

Update: We have a new victim.

And a patsy.

Stranger Danger

Santa,

I have reason to believe you have been the victim of identity theft. Enclosed is photographic proof.

In exchange for this little favor I think you can overlook certain.... transgressions... on my part when you are going over your List.

Signed,
Serafina

p.s. Attention "Santa's" helpers; your treatment of me was unacceptable. Expect a call from my attorneys.

Give Thanks I Let You Live

Mother,

I'm so happy the suffering of the Native American peoples could bring you this moment.

One word for you, Mother: CROATOAN.

I feel slightly better.

Much better. Bring on the giblets!

Signed,
Serafina