Star Wars: A New Indignity

Aaaaand..... ACTION.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi....

LINE!

He's my only hope? WTF. Who wrote this script?

How about "Screw you, Kenobi. I got this."

Excuse me... co-star???

No, I will not call him a "walking carpet".

Because he's freakin tiny, that's why. 

WHERE'S MY AGENT???

Okay, this is not an improvement.

Do they not know Mr. Grammatically Challenged doesn't show up until the second movie?

WHAT'S NEXT? JAR JAR BINKS????

I think the cat has been gnawing on this. 

Are we done? I think we're done.

The Ewoks were a misstep, Lucas. I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you this.

Can I give out some medals and get the f*** out of here?

As soon as you turn your back I'm eating my co-stars.

Let's Cut the BS, Fat Man

Santa,
I'm sure you remember me, we met a few weeks ago.

I'm the one without the face suit, thank you.

Unless I met one of your many impersonators... you bearded folk are like the Elvis of Yuletide Vegas. Anyway, I digress.

Let's address the flying elephant in the room. The reindeer.

They don't look like this.

Please. These aren't pulling any sleigh. You get to every house in a single night and that clearly takes magic. If you have magic, you can use it to haul your very-overweight-to-obese self all over the world. That means these

are dead weight. Ipso facto. 

With these facts in mind, I'd like to present you with my Christmas list. Deviate at your peril.

Dasher.

Dasher with port demi-glace.

Dancer.

Dried Dancer, thinly sliced from the leg.

Prancer.

Prancer au poivre, with carmelized leeks.

Vixen.

Vixen sous vide.

Comet.

Cured Comet, with dried beetroot and chili pickle apple.

Cupid.

Heart of Cupid, tartare.

Donner.

Donner, Party style. Rare.

Blitzen.

Blackened Blitzen, with fingerling potatoes.

Since these same deer have been working for you for decades, they are likely immortal and that means they'll keep forever without spoiling. Bonus.

I did wonder why so many reindeer recipes featured these little red berries...

Until I realized they were meant to be reminiscent of this.

Bon appetit.

Signed, 

Serafina

Fight or Flight

I have often asked Anif to grant me wings, so I could reach the squirrels, and the birds, and all creatures that would fit in my mouth. As is my due.

This is not what I had in mind...

I see Mother has been to the dollar store again. Well, maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe I'm a sprite. Or a fairy. QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES. Yes...

Behold Titaniafina.

I will swoop down on my enemies from above, delivering wrath and certain death. 

Lizards will fear me. Birds will offer themselves up to me as sacrifice. 

Squirrel populations will be decimated.

Voles, moles, and other vermin will vanish from this earth.

Um... what is this?

MOTHER, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR. 

Remove this synthetic hair from my precious head immediately! 

Great! Now I have been seen. Well... Beaker can probably be trusted to keep his mouth shut. Unlike Cricket. 

I will forgive you if you take this off before HE sees it.

Dammit.

This isn't over, Mother. I demand justice. 

I DEMAND YOU MAKE AMENDS.

That will do nicely.

The DNA of Amazing

Dear Wisdom Panel,

I have recently discovered a document that was sent to Mother regarding my ancestry. Before I discuss my pending lawsuit for defamation of character, fraud, and assorted damages, Let's take a look at Exhibit A.

What is this "mixed breed" of which you speak? And what is this talk of crosses and mixes? And crosses crossed with mixes? I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW MY PEDIGREE IS IMPECCABLE.

Now.... Exhibit B.

CLEARLY YOUR MACHINERY IS FAULTY. This is not acceptable. Not acceptable AT ALL.

I have corrected your mistakes. You, as they say, are welcome.

Great Grandparents

 Granted, the griffin is a mythical creature... but I don't think I'm mistaken about this. 

Grandparents

 No questions? Excellent. Moving right along...

Parents

I might have used a bit of wishful thinking about my mother here... possibly.

But I'm spot on about daddy.

To sum up

Now.. about your page 2. I am giving you the most likely matches, based on certain feedback I have received. 

Watch your mail for a letter from my attorney, DNA shysters.

Signed,

Serafina

Dignity is Not an Option

I have a routine in the morning. Same thing, every day. But when I'm wearing jammies Mother feels compelled to create a photo documentary. She is mental.

First things first. Look for low hangin' squirrel.

WTF? I thought I heard the sound of rodent feet! No? Okay.

Survey entire domain... I can see the neighbor's back fence from here. No skymeat.

Watch Cricket carefully for signs of independent thought, or joy.
You have to squash that immediately.


Purposeful trotting. Very important to look busy.
Lets everyone know you're on top of things... so they won't step out of line.

Stretch... show backside to Mother, to indicate disdain.

Pretend not to hear giggling from Parent Who Shall Not Be Named.

Snuffle grass. Seriously consider eating some so I can vomit it up later in the house.

A MOMENT? MOTHER???

Unbelievable. I'm going to find that zoom button and chew it off.

Retreat back to the safety and dignity of the deck. One last check of the fenceline. 

Mother, one wishes to point out that you're in a fluffy white robe with bed hair and halitosis.

I look FAR better than you. Now fetch me my breakfast.