My Kingdom for a Slingshot

 The beautiful warrior princess surveyed her kingdom, able to relax at last after defeating the Squirrel Horde...

 As she raised her face to the sun she contemplated her next battle... the birds must be destroyed at all costs..

 ...wha?...

Nothing to see here. MOVE ALONG, MOTHER.

Serial Stuffy Killer UPDATED

Bat,

I don't appreciate your insolence. When you get to hell give Pig my regards.

Pictured: innocence.

No, really. This is the face the jury will see.

Acquittal.

Signed,

Serafina

Update: We have a new victim.

And a patsy.

Stranger Danger

Santa,

I have reason to believe you have been the victim of identity theft. Enclosed is photographic proof.

In exchange for this little favor I think you can overlook certain.... transgressions... on my part when you are going over your List.

Signed,
Serafina

p.s. Attention "Santa's" helpers; your treatment of me was unacceptable. Expect a call from my attorneys.

Give Thanks I Let You Live

Mother,

I'm so happy the suffering of the Native American peoples could bring you this moment.

One word for you, Mother: CROATOAN.

I feel slightly better.

Much better. Bring on the giblets!

Signed,
Serafina

Let My Monkey Go

Labradoodle "Cousin",

I don't know who you think you are. I don't know what you want, but I would recommend a bath and a good trimming. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for dogs like you. If you let my orange monkey go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. 

Or hump you. I haven't decided.

Signed, 
Serafina

Tis Annoying.

Mother,

Remove this badly lit shrubbery immediately.

If I wanted to live with trees like a barbarian I wouldn't have eaten my raincoat.

Signed, 

Serafina

Witchafina

Green Wicked Person,

I have seen your documentary on television and I admire your willingness to drop buildings on your siblings. 

In case you have a spare house flying around, may I make one small suggestion?

Signed, 
Serafina

p.s. I think you missed a great opportunity to make a land grab for the East in your quest for footwear. Just a thought.

Oink Oink, Motherf***er.

Pig,

I guess you won't be looking at me funny again.

Signed, 
Serafina

Santa, an Introduction

Santa,

I have just been recently made aware of your existence and I thought we should get acquainted. I understand you have little men that do your bidding. 

So do I. I call them "greyhounds".

I know they don't look too bright but I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement if you need some extra slave labor this year.

Signed,
Serafina