Birthday Bitch

Mother,

It has come to my attention that you don't know what day my birthday is. I was, as you say, a "stray". Perhaps you have not considered that I was merely on walkabout, looking for a likely mark.

Funny how that worked out.

Let me take this opportunity to choose a date for YOU to celebrate ME.  I choose April 1.

That's correct, April Fools' Day. As a reminder that the universe loves to play a good prank. Joke's on you, Mother.

Now.. on to my demands. I will need a new bed, of course....

Here is one option for you. I'd like it in pink.

One of these Swarovski dog thrones would also do. In pink.

Were you aware Vivienne Westwood made dog clothes?

Now you are. Don't forget the bubbly.

A new collar, of course...

52 carats. Adequate.

And a house, because this place is fine for a greyhound. But for me? No.

Ah... much better. In pink.

Signed, 

Serafina

You Could Do Worse

Catholics,

I'm throwing my name in there, because that group of old farts doesn't have such a great track record.

My platform:
1. No more buggering little kids. You would have thought this was a no brainer.
2. Women in the priestesshood, obviously.
3. No marriage for clergy because we want these people to be happy, dammit. 
4. Forget this no meat on Friday business. I want to get my bacon on 7 days a week.
5. Birth control mandatory for the stoopid. The rest of you can breed responsibly if you want.
6. The hats and shoes can stay but that ROBE. Just... no.
7. I'm still sleeping in on Sundays so carry on without me.
8. Margaritas at the Vatican every Saturday night. We're getting a disco ball.

Signed,
Serafina

Line Up, Gentlemen

Suitors,

Your best and (for most of you) only chance at me is coming up in two weeks.
Dazzle me with your best offer. *taps dewclaws impatiently*

In the meantime, my Valentine's cards for you. Yes.... you.

Signed,

Serafina 

It's Like the Lambada

Uh... how long have you been standing there?

Don't judge.

I love you, Teddy.

I can still see you there, Mother. MOVE ALONG.

Signed,

Serafina

New Year's Mocking Eve

It's my first New Year's Eve in civilized society and when I heard Mother and I would be going somewhere without the drooling BOYS I knew it would be a night to remember.

Glamorous outfit, check. Jewelry, check.

I assume there will be desert bred Saluki gentlemen in attendance?

Perhaps, if my dance card is not full, a greyhound will do in a pinch.

Off to the car we went. I felt Mother was dressed a bit casually, but she really has no fashion sense. Let it be known that I did not throw up in the car. LIKE A LADY. And when we arrived at our destination...

NYE with my COUSINS?

"Cosby Sweater" and "Crispy Beard".

Where is the bar???

No music, no dancing, no toasts to my beauty... what is wrong with you people?

Cousin Molesting Alert!
WHERE IS CHRIS HANSEN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Mother, this is not acceptable.

(this is me venting my displeasure)

I should have known something was amiss when you put on your Crocs for the drive over.

I did counter surf this salami encrusted with Herbs de Provence. 

At least the food was acceptable.

Home by 11. 

I expect a better plan in place for next year, Mother.

Signed,

Serafina

Everyone's a Critic

Thinking about watching some holiday movies with the family? Let me give you some opinions.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

A bunch of unsupervised children worship the ugliest tree ever.

I rate it 2 Dead Stuffies.

Elf

A grown man is raised on a diet of candy and sugar.

Against all odds he doesn't die of diabetes in childhood and goes on to save Christmas.

3 Dead Stuffies.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer

Santa's Elves will not be selling out at Madison Square Garden, I guarantee that.

What a horrible band idea, anyway.

And doesn't that effeminate elf know that dentists have a high suicide rate?

Very confusing story. 1 Dead Stuffy.

A Christmas Story

Gratuitous Bunny Pajamas, and something about a porno lamp.

The dogs get the turkey in the end. 4 Dead Stuffies.

Babes In Toyland

Speaking of porn, this is not. Which is surprising, based on the title.

I didn't watch it. Zero Dead Stuffies.

The Santa Clause

Claus with an E added. Hilarity ensues.

Well, the Tool Man in a fat suit ensues. Also, ugly sweaters.

2 Dead Stuffies.

Frosty the Snowman

A talking snowman thinks its everyone's birthday. Stoopid.

1 Dead Stuffy.

Olive the Other Reindeer

I couldn't get past the idea that this dog wanted a JOB. At the NORTH POLE.

I want to put on a sweater just thinking about it.

0.5 Dead Stuffies.

Scrooged

I could watch Carol Kane smacking that guy around all day.

4 Dead Stuffies.

It's A Wonderful Life

Suicide is bad, kids.

2 Dead Stuffies.

Barbie Nutcracker

WTF???

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

EXCELLENT film, until they decided to pussify the green dude at the end.

4 Dead Stuffies.

Die Hard

Terrorists, explosions, bare feet on broken glass.

Best Christmas movie ever. Yippee ki-yay.

5 Dead Stuffies.

Happy Holidays, people.

Signed,

Serafina

Eat, Drink, and STFU

World,

In the event the Mayans are correct, I will be at the bar at Milliway's.

I will allow you to buy me a drink. And a rare haunch of that yappy cow.

Signed, 

Serafina

Bow Down Bitches

Mother brought home something she refers to as a "greyhound statue."

I think it's clear this magnificent being is far superior to a mere greyhound.

I call her Anif, and she is my deity.

When I counter surf roasted potatoes right out of the pan, it is in service to Anif.

When I speak sharply to my servants, it is because it pleases Anif.

When I attempt to nudge Mother out of the bed at night, it is because Anif told me to.

Anif is watching.

Especially you. She's keeping an eye on you.

Attention Winter!

Man with the Tacky Hat,

Wipe that smile off your face, jerk.

I'll be coming for you. Soon.

But right now this fleece straitjacket is slowing me down...

Signed,

Serafina