The DNA of Amazing

Dear Wisdom Panel,

I have recently discovered a document that was sent to Mother regarding my ancestry. Before I discuss my pending lawsuit for defamation of character, fraud, and assorted damages, Let's take a look at Exhibit A.

What is this "mixed breed" of which you speak? And what is this talk of crosses and mixes? And crosses crossed with mixes? I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW MY PEDIGREE IS IMPECCABLE.

Now.... Exhibit B.

CLEARLY YOUR MACHINERY IS FAULTY. This is not acceptable. Not acceptable AT ALL.

I have corrected your mistakes. You, as they say, are welcome.

Great Grandparents

 Granted, the griffin is a mythical creature... but I don't think I'm mistaken about this. 

Grandparents

 No questions? Excellent. Moving right along...

Parents

I might have used a bit of wishful thinking about my mother here... possibly.

But I'm spot on about daddy.

To sum up

Now.. about your page 2. I am giving you the most likely matches, based on certain feedback I have received. 

Watch your mail for a letter from my attorney, DNA shysters.

Signed,

Serafina

Dignity is Not an Option

I have a routine in the morning. Same thing, every day. But when I'm wearing jammies Mother feels compelled to create a photo documentary. She is mental.

First things first. Look for low hangin' squirrel.

WTF? I thought I heard the sound of rodent feet! No? Okay.

Survey entire domain... I can see the neighbor's back fence from here. No skymeat.

Watch Cricket carefully for signs of independent thought, or joy.
You have to squash that immediately.


Purposeful trotting. Very important to look busy.
Lets everyone know you're on top of things... so they won't step out of line.

Stretch... show backside to Mother, to indicate disdain.

Pretend not to hear giggling from Parent Who Shall Not Be Named.

Snuffle grass. Seriously consider eating some so I can vomit it up later in the house.

A MOMENT? MOTHER???

Unbelievable. I'm going to find that zoom button and chew it off.

Retreat back to the safety and dignity of the deck. One last check of the fenceline. 

Mother, one wishes to point out that you're in a fluffy white robe with bed hair and halitosis.

I look FAR better than you. Now fetch me my breakfast.

Fire Dog

The beautiful princess struck a tragic yet graceful pose, her long red legs...

Hmmm.... carmine? Claret? 

 

Maybe they're russet.... Copper! Yes.. her long long copper legs glowed in the su..

Hey. BUG! Don't defile the royal copper legs, YOU MORON!

Hello, Mother. Was there something? No?

CRICKET!! GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF  MY PHOTOSHOOT!!

Birthday Bitch

Mother,

It has come to my attention that you don't know what day my birthday is. I was, as you say, a "stray". Perhaps you have not considered that I was merely on walkabout, looking for a likely mark.

Funny how that worked out.

Let me take this opportunity to choose a date for YOU to celebrate ME.  I choose April 1.

That's correct, April Fools' Day. As a reminder that the universe loves to play a good prank. Joke's on you, Mother.

Now.. on to my demands. I will need a new bed, of course....

Here is one option for you. I'd like it in pink.

One of these Swarovski dog thrones would also do. In pink.

Were you aware Vivienne Westwood made dog clothes?

Now you are. Don't forget the bubbly.

A new collar, of course...

52 carats. Adequate.

And a house, because this place is fine for a greyhound. But for me? No.

Ah... much better. In pink.

Signed, 

Serafina

You Could Do Worse

Catholics,

I'm throwing my name in there, because that group of old farts doesn't have such a great track record.

My platform:
1. No more buggering little kids. You would have thought this was a no brainer.
2. Women in the priestesshood, obviously.
3. No marriage for clergy because we want these people to be happy, dammit. 
4. Forget this no meat on Friday business. I want to get my bacon on 7 days a week.
5. Birth control mandatory for the stoopid. The rest of you can breed responsibly if you want.
6. The hats and shoes can stay but that ROBE. Just... no.
7. I'm still sleeping in on Sundays so carry on without me.
8. Margaritas at the Vatican every Saturday night. We're getting a disco ball.

Signed,
Serafina

Line Up, Gentlemen

Suitors,

Your best and (for most of you) only chance at me is coming up in two weeks.
Dazzle me with your best offer. *taps dewclaws impatiently*

In the meantime, my Valentine's cards for you. Yes.... you.

Signed,

Serafina 

It's Like the Lambada

Uh... how long have you been standing there?

Don't judge.

I love you, Teddy.

I can still see you there, Mother. MOVE ALONG.

Signed,

Serafina

New Year's Mocking Eve

It's my first New Year's Eve in civilized society and when I heard Mother and I would be going somewhere without the drooling BOYS I knew it would be a night to remember.

Glamorous outfit, check. Jewelry, check.

I assume there will be desert bred Saluki gentlemen in attendance?

Perhaps, if my dance card is not full, a greyhound will do in a pinch.

Off to the car we went. I felt Mother was dressed a bit casually, but she really has no fashion sense. Let it be known that I did not throw up in the car. LIKE A LADY. And when we arrived at our destination...

NYE with my COUSINS?

"Cosby Sweater" and "Crispy Beard".

Where is the bar???

No music, no dancing, no toasts to my beauty... what is wrong with you people?

Cousin Molesting Alert!
WHERE IS CHRIS HANSEN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Mother, this is not acceptable.

(this is me venting my displeasure)

I should have known something was amiss when you put on your Crocs for the drive over.

I did counter surf this salami encrusted with Herbs de Provence. 

At least the food was acceptable.

Home by 11. 

I expect a better plan in place for next year, Mother.

Signed,

Serafina